Hopefully, knowing what you can expect will help you mentally prepare yourself for all the dating riff-raff you’ll be sorting through.
#1. The Assh*le. This one is pretty basic. The assh*le is the guy who has zero consideration for your time, texts you after midnight on the reg and is clearly not intent on establishing any sort of relationship.
He doesn’t care about you, your feelings or what you have to offer. He only cares about getting it in and getting on to the next one.
#2. The Carpet. After you date three to four assh*les in a row, you start to think, “Maybe it’s just that I’m making the wrong choices in men.” As a result, you overcompensate and get yourself a nice guy.
But not just any nice guy, a carpet, a guy who will dote on your every whim and do anything you say. The problem is, that’s not attractive.
After a few months, you’ll start yearning for your old, assh*le vices. Having a backbone, even if he’s controlling or rude about it, is better than having no backbone at all.
#3. The Pretty Dumb One. When he writes the same way most people text, Houston, we have a problem. Every girl has dated a guy who is so pretty, but so dumb. He’s pretty; he’s dumb; he’s pretty dumb.
And that’s about all he can follow, so have fun with this one and move on.
#4. The Rebel. Girls are notorious for loving bad boys. Whether he has a motorcycle, a criminal history or just knows where to get the best hookup for the best stuff, there’s something about danger that lures women in.
The problem is, this isn’t sustainable long-term. Just look at what happened to Piper and Larry in “Orange is the New Black.” Relationships rarely survive visiting hours.
#5. Peter Pan. This guy will never grow up. He still lives at his momma’s house, frequents the club every weekend and is likely doing the same work he did throughout high school and college, completely wasting his degree.
Moreover, he’ll probably continue these patterns into his later years, until one day, he wakes up and realizes he’s 50 and done nothing worthwhile with his life.
#6. Mr. All Business. There’s nothing worse than being second on someone’s priority list. By all means, date someone with a job, but make sure he or she realizes the value of a work/life balance.
If he spends all dinner responding to “urgent” work messages, walk away. Seriously, no one’s messages are that important unless his name is Barack Obama.
#7. The Charmer. I tend to refer to this character as the Rico Suave of the bunch. He knows exactly what to say at exactly the right time and has all the right moves.
The problem is, he’s been practicing those lines and moves on five other girls at the same time he’s been talking to you. But you can’t even hate, the man has got that much game. Play on, playa.
#8. The Mama’s Boy. Not to be confused with the Peter Pan, the mama’s boy has likely moved out of his mother’s house, and yet continues to have an unhealthy attachment to her. She will always be the number one girl in his life, and anyone who threatens that position will become a target.
We all love our parents, but there’s a line that needs to be drawn. At the end of the day, your Mr. Right should not be afraid to take your side against anyone’s, even his mother.
#9. The Trust Fund Baby. While we’re on the subject of coddling and unhealthy family relationships, let’s discuss trust fund babies. Initially, dating a guy who literally has a collection of silver baby spoons may seem like a great idea. After all, who wouldn’t want to date Richie Rich?
But in reality, this usually translates to a man who feels entitled and is used to having everyone work hard for him, as opposed to working hard himself.
#10. Mr. VIP. This guy lives to party. He knows every bouncer at every club, and likely has the hookup at all the best places. He may even be a promoter himself.
For the rest of us non-ragers, however, there’s a limit on the amount of partying we can do. And it’s not fun having a significant other whom you’re worried is in the club constantly surrounded by half-unclad women.
Trust, time conflicts and a waning interest in his ability to get you in VIP will be the death of this match. Sadly, this list is by no means exhaustive.
There are countless other Mr. Wrongs women date and even marry when they give up on finding Mr. Right. My advice? Hang in there. He’s still worth the wait, even if he’s not Mr. Right On Time.